i carry your heart with me

It was when I watched Cameron Diaz’s In Her Shoes (2005) that the poem tugged on my heartstrings:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

– E. E. Cummings

For someone who has OCD, the punctuation bothers me, but I can’t help loving it because love is irrational and inexplicable; it makes you do stupid things knowing clearly that you shouldn’t, just like how the lower-case type and punctuations violate all grammar rules. The parentheses are like hugs and the lack of spacing and run-on lines intensify the emotion in the poem. The lower-case type is almost like a soft whisper and takes away the otherwise prominence and dominance of a capitalised I, creating a more well balanced relationship between the persona and the lover. The love depicted in this poem is fearless and beautiful. It is unconditional like the sun and moon.

Being away from my family for the second time, there is no one I miss more than me sister. Despite our differences in terms of appearance, personality and taste in men/fashion/food etc, she is the closest person to me in my life. We grew up sharing a room, working and sleeping side by side; she is the root of my root and the bud of my bud. Cummings’ use of extended metaphor of nature creates a strong foundation and a never-ending sensation to the love. Throughout life, my sister and I will be there supporting and sheltering each other. I may not tell her I love her enough, but she will always be part of me and I will carry her heart in mine wherever I go, never without it.

And I shall read this poem to her at her wedding, just like what Diaz did in the movie.

Originally written for The Mays XXV blog

Growing old, growing up

“And when I grow up
I will eat sweets every day
on the way to work and I
will go to bed late every night!

And I will wake up
when the sun comes up and I
will watch cartoons till my eyes go square
and I won’t care cause I’ll be all grown up!”

Matilda the Musical reminded me of how much we look forward to growing up and doing all the things that adults wouldn’t let us do when we were young. Little did we know that growing up is a trap and the only thing you wish when you’ve grown up is that you never had.

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At one of the boys’ birthday party

My friend from San Francisco once told me that guys in the Bay Area are known to have “Peter Pan syndrome”, a pop-psychology concept of an adult who is socially immature. While it can affect both sexes, it appears more often among men. Some characteristics of the disorder are the inability of individuals to take on responsibilities and to commit themselves. Humbelina Robles Ortega, an expert in emotional disorders, points out that, “Sometimes they can have serious adaptation problems at work or in personal relationships.”

Psychologist Dan Kelly also used the term “Wendy Syndrome” to describe women who act like mothers with their partners or people close to them. Like Wendy, they make every one of their partner’s decisions and take on various responsibilities, thus justifying their significant others’ unreliability. Researchers state that you don’t have to look far for Wendy, “We can find [her] even within the immediate family – the over protecting mother,” – and sister I would add (guilty!)

Here in the UK, studies show that Britons do not believe they are fully grown up until they reach the age of 29. Living at home longer, playing computer games and watching children’s films are some of the most common reasons for people not feeling like an adult. Sociologist Dr. Frank Furedi stated that, “More adults than ever before are leaving it later in life to move out from the parental home, get married or have children. This is having a knock-on effect to how ‘grown-up’ people actually perceive themselves to be.”

So when do we actually grow up? Research shows that what people really believe constitutes being an “adult” are actually significant life events that give them adult responsibilities, such as buying a house, getting married, becoming a parent, and, interestingly, looking forward to a night in (I’ve definitely grown up then if by the last indication lol).

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional. It is less about age and more about reaching milestones in life. As we celebrate my friend’s 26th birthday, she looked back on those carefree days of her childhood wistfully, but at the same time is excited about what lies ahead in life.

Originally written for The Cambridge Student newspaper